Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Sweet Anticipation

I'm trying to stay in the moment
Enjoy. This.
and not focus too much on the future
It's hard, though
Chris talks to baby everyday
he feels her kick and move
I can't wait to see him as a Father
because this is something neither of us expected to happen
it is something we agreed wouldn't happen when I started on chemo
It seems even more special that it did
When I first started dating Chris, I knew potentially that I'd never have another child
I didn't want him to have regret in his life
he assured me he wouldn't, that he'd already come to terms with not having children and he never expected
he'd ever get married, even
When it became obvious I needed to be on drugs that cause severe birth defects
we decided to focus on us, on our relationship, and some crazy wild dreams that are difficult to pursue
with little ones in tow
No matter the situation, we would make the most and enjoy
Chris was content with the joy of walking in the door and having G run and jump in his arms, it was more than he expected out of life
I was content that I was still alive and able to find love and raise my boys

Most of my pregnancy, I was in a weird place between denial
and self-preservation
I knew I was pregnant, but I didn't know it would result in a baby
so, I didn't plan much
I didn't think about her arriving
Now we're well beyond the point where she can arrive and do well
 I am actually imagining things I didn't really allow my mind to imagine
like Chris, holding his baby
I think his mind has turned that corner too
She responds when she hears his voice
if he places his hand on my stomach she moves for him to feel
she's less an idea and a maybe, more a whole person living in there
She's less some bizarre manifestation of my body and more herself
B's personality sort of seemed clear in retrospect, at the end
he was very calm
G's as well. He was hyper and constant movement. If he wasn't kick, kick, kicking me, he had the hiccups
This baby has from the beginning refused to cooperate,
when the doppler is placed on my belly she rolls away from it
but when it was time for an ultrasound, she refused to move, even after being poked repeatedly by the tech
NOPE, she does what she wants
If had I to guess, I'd say she's strong willed
All just speculation, obviously
but it's a change that I can even allow myself speculation

Now I'm just not going to rush it
I'm going to appreciate the moments I catch a glimpse of my belly in the mirror
and marvel at what looks like a basketball stuffed under my shirt
I'm going be amazed at the amount of fresh fruit I can eat
 I will tell my son he can eat the last of the ice cream
Only to find myself near tears when I realize it's gone
and then laugh because, how pregnant is that?
I'm going to smile on a weekend morning when I wake to kicks
and find Chris holding a conversation and interacting with his daughter, as I sleep
The time left is short and I'm going to enjoy it

I am lucky to have Chris
the way he tried very hard to hide his fear in the beginning
I know he worried about so many things: was the pregnancy going to kill me? were we too old? were we financially stable enough? would the baby be okay?
But he tried not to burden me with his worry, fearing possibly that his worry would have a negative impact on an already fragile situation
If I made mention of wanting a certain food, it would appear as if magical elves were running around catering to my wants.  In turn, I made sure I didn't get demanding because he was already doing more than most.
The days I feel super pregnant and lazy, he doesn't complain.  Here's an example of a text exchange:
Me: I'm on the couch thinking about moving and maybe getting dishes done. Mah Gawd!
Chris: Sorry you always have to tough it out if you want to get something done.  We could do them together.
Me: I'm working on them. Just being a baby. Lots of women give birth in the fields.
Chris: That's for the birds! They also didn't have a year of chemo and everything else that proceeded.
Most guys can't empathize with how it feels to be pregnant and would complain that I was being lazy.  Instead, he just offers to help.  Which in turn makes me want to do more so he doesn't have to.  Pretty standard for our relationship.  He treats me so well, I feel like I need to not sit back and let him.  And whenever I can, I want to let him relax and rest while I take care of things.  It is a far cry from what I've ever experienced.

Today could be my last day as a pregnant woman
Today we make decisions based on how my heart looks
The questions that loom: Is my heart holding up? Can I stay pregnant? If my heart is holding up, how long can I stay pregnant? Which is safer in my situation, VBAC or C-section?
I have a plan in place for the moment the doctor says it's time to deliver.  The animals will be fed.  G has several people willing to keep him entertained and happy.  We are ready at a moment's notice. 
I want at least 34 weeks for her to develop, but I'm prepared if that can't happen.
As much as pregnancy can be uncomfortable and come with a host of weird, gross, and embarrassing symptoms, I want to stay pregnant.  I want to enjoy these last few months of misery/anticipation/joy. Most women cannot wait for the 3rd trimester to end.  I've been there! But I'm hanging on to this one with everything I have.  Not just because she is likely my last; the doctors keep asking me if I want another one!  WHAT?  You don't win at Russian Roulette and think, "okay, let's try again!"  But because normally when the third trimester kicks in, you know you're not going to give birth early.  So when you moan that you want it to end, you're just complaining.  But for me, I want it to go on to the very last second.  The reality is, I'm lucky to have made it this far with her.  I'm ready to push through and make it to the end.  Wouldn't it be amazing to not only have an uneventful pregnancy, but an uneventful birth? No NICU? No complications for me? Just healthy odds beating baby and Mother? 





 

1 comment:

Jess said...

hey, i just found your blog ...i'm glad you are having a healthy baby!
Babies are a gift from God and I'm sure he will take care of you both!
I will be praying for you! And following your blog ;)