Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Two Years

He's my Gatsby
 not the fraud,
the Gatsby of, "the way he looks at her, the way she looks at him."
The Gatsby of no matter how far away
or if we were directly across the Sound
married, single, otherwise committed
a spot in our hearts would be left wondering about the other
in that sense he's my Gatsby
he has been since I was 15

I feared the truth
I've gone back and met people again after years
people I've held high opinions of in my mind
and been completely disappointed
It's like knowing the really cool character on Orange is the New Black
the lesbian heroin dealer?
is dating Tom Cruise in real life and is a Scientologist

Like the time I went and saw my very first real boyfriend
and realized
"Good God we are so different.  There's no way we had anything in common. Why did we even date?"
I was afraid that would happen with him
that my perfect, maybe completely made up image of him would be wrecked by the truth
really afraid
I like the him in my mind and I liked knowing that I always had that him to wonder about when the person I was with was a complete disappointment

The Chris I knew was always so friendly
it was easy to mistake his being friendly with flirting
so there were always girls around
and he probably broke more hearts than he knew
just by being friendly
so when we started texting back and forth
I knew to be careful
Not to read too deeply into what he was saying
not to assume anything meant anything but
"Hey old friend, how are you?"
I actually had an image in my mind while communicating with him

He was texting me, while two very blonde children grabbed at his legs
and a beautiful wife smiled
a wife to which I would never compare, so that even if I lost all sense of morals, values and ethics
I would never capture his attention the way she did
she was pure magic in my mind
because Chris, the Chris I knew?  If one guy were to end up with a Victoria's Secret Model
who designed space shuttles for Nasa when she wasn't in a diamond encrusted bra,
it would be Chris
She would of course, retire young, because she would only want to dote on him,
the way some women, women I could never be like, do
and he would see me and it would serve to remind him how lucky he was to have her
I would hate her because on top of everything else, she'd be super nice and I wouldn't find a flaw

Yes, all of this ran through my mind as I was texting him
obviously I was wrong
he'd sworn off serious relationships for a while
and only just opened himself up to the idea of dating again
he was dating, or had been out with someone a few times
I didn't know, until I canceled a date I had with another guy, because
well, because I knew I'd be wasting my time, wasting the other guy's time
and I just wanted to be with Chris
When I told him about the date and that I wasn't going
he told me about this other girl
 he explained he knew it wouldn't work with her
he said she called on a Friday and asked him to meet her somewhere and he told her no
but that whenever I did the same he came to meet me
plus, she wasn't interested in politics and...yup, that wouldn't work either

Ever since?
Chris has that magic with me that he's always had
it is in his nature to say the things that I need to hear
I credit this ability to the fact that he has a very close relationship with his Mother and Sister
my Brother has a knack for understanding women too
and not in that needing to be babied and the center of attention way that makes some boys always act like annoying Momma's boys.  He's not a Momma's boy.  He loves and respects his Mother and Sister.  He doesn't need to be coddled.

Anyway, two years flew by
any downside I expected to see
hasn't appeared
my idea of Chris didn't even compare to the reality

This pregnancy has only deepened the feeling
pregnancy brings with it a lot of emotions
you feel fat, tired and uncomfortable
anything but beautiful
however, when I see pregnant women, I always think they look beautiful
it's just a whole different thing to be that woman.
So, I'm feeling like a beach ball with fingers, as my Dad would say
my boobs are huge and in the way
sure everyone wants big boobs, just not me
and my butt is also much, much bigger
I'm looking down at myself wondering who's body I'm wearing
when Chris just pops in with, "It's amazing what the human body can do."
and the look on his face is enough to vanquish any insecure thoughts
Or he sends me a text while he's at work that says, "I think you look beautiful carrying my baby."
Not because I've asked, not because I told him I needed him to, but because that's just Chris
and I feel so lucky

I am fragile, this baby is fragile
and it terrifies me
it terrifies me so much I cannot bring myself to name her
or to buy the things that need to be bought
I keep hearing that I need to pull it together and get on it!
name your little girl!
Technically, this baby could be here in 10 weeks and so far we have nothing for her
but I can't
I explain to Chris how scared I am
and he understands because he was terrified when we first found out too
Nobody is going to ease my mind
Nobody is going to stop this worry
But Chris is going to say exactly what I need to hear
"I've yielded this one to fate.  We are written in the stars and I know there is one twinkling for our little princess."

I needed so much to hear that.  Just the idea of a star twinkling for her, even if this doesn't end well, gives me peace.  Even if fate doesn't end with us having a healthy baby, it is meant to be, just like we were.  And that in itself makes me release the breath I've been holding since I took that test.

Two years and nothing has changed
he's still that perfect boy I met in high school
and I often find myself scratching my head wondering what I did
to deserve this?
Because, I really am so lucky to have him.